Destructoid's Harsh Review of Dead Or Alive: Paradise

Haha, you can't even masturbate to this game. But I will never forget the weird commercials for Dead or Alive: Paradise.

I have tried to achieve and maintain an erection while playing Dead or Alive Paradise but it is difficult. In fact, it would be more erotic to watch a three-legged dog eating cold meat from a baby's lap. The game tries to turn us on, but even if the girls were taking full cocks up themselves, it still wouldn't be all that sexy. Especially with their horrific, squealing, infantile voices and boobs that move as if they have become self-aware. While it's completely unoriginal to say "just watch some porn" when talking about the Dead or Alive games, that doesn't mean it isn't true. The fact is that if you want to shoot your love piss everywhere, you don't need this game. Even if you're into Hentai, this should be so low on your to-do list that it doesn't even rank above wanking over Project A-KO. Not that I've ever done that.

At the end of the day, there is no reason for this game. It's not fun to play, it's not sexually exciting, it's not ... anything. You're actually an idiot if you can orgasm while playing this. Now let's never speak of it again.

Score: 1.0 -- Epic Fail (1s are the lowest of the low. There is no potential, no skill, no depth and no talent. These games have nothing to offer the world, and will die lonely and forgotten.)

Destructoid